Four Guys Midsummer Madness

In honor of the 2013 MLB All-Star Game, Four Guys has cooked up a (admittedly half-baked) Midsummer Classic of our own.  Filling out all nine spots, plus a manager, we each assembled All-Star teams of our all-time favorite fictional characters from the big and small screen.  The only restrictions?

1. No more than one (1) athlete-character per team.
2. No more than one (1) "super hero" per team, defined as a character with supernatural powers (e.g., Bruce Wayne wouldn't fill the quota.)
3. No one gets Superman.  DQ'd on account of excess awesome.

Next, we each ranked each others' squads on a scale of 1-100 based not only on our All-Stars' abilities, talents and personalities, but also on the justification of our picks.  And finally, we averaged those peer scores and came up with a "winner" – who, of course, will receive home-field advantage at the Four Guys TV & Movie Character World Series.

Understand?  Good; we're still not sure we do either.  But we had fun with this anyways and we hope you do too...

Scott's Team:  "The Milwaukee Beers"

Manager:  Commander William Adama (Battlestar Galactica)

"What do you hear Starbuck?"  Nothing but the rain, sir!  How could you pass on a battle-hardened veteran who is resolute in strength and in character to lead your team?  This man's belief in the goodness of humanity helped him lead the human race safety after the Cylon attack.  Adama's my choice for skipper – so say we all!

SP:  Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr. (Indiana Jones)
The greatest hero of all time is equal parts intelligent, adventurous, courageous, and handsome.  That's exactly what any team needs in their ace pitcher.  Indiana Jones could easily shut down any opposing team's hitters and always comes out on top even when his back is against the wall (or boulder).  Forget about museums, this guy belongs in Cooperstown!

C:  Crash Davis (Bull Durham)
Every team needs a savvy, veteran catcher who knows how to call a ball game and who knows how to bring out the best in his players, even if it means getting under his pitcher's skin.  If you want to make it to the show, you better listen when Crash talks, okay meat?

1B:  Detective William "Bunk" Moreland (The Wire)
Listen here baby, the Bunk is all you need to hold down first base.  Bunk's good police you know.  He's a salty veteran who knows how to chat a person up, even those runners on first base.  His crafty interrogating techniques might help you learn something about the other team.

2B:  Daenerys Targaryen (Game of Thrones)
Trust me, you want the Mother of Dragons covering the right side of your infield.  Daenerys Stormborn is a natural-born leader committed to a winning cause.  Her small frame is a throwback to old-school second basemen, but this petite beauty has a lot of bite to her.

3B:  Wolverine (X-Men)
He's the best there is at what he does, and what he does isn't very nice.  Okay, bub?  The hot corner needs a hot temper minding it and this is the man for the job.  Superhuman strength, senses, reflexes, stamina, and a regenerative healing factor?  Wolverine could play third base every day and he adds just the right amount of grit and toughness to the team.

SS:  Detective John McClane (Die Hard)
Yippie-kai-yay baseball fans.  I wanted my left side of the infield to be one-hundred percent badass.  The team needed another feisty player and John McClane answered the call.  Plus, when I think of the shortstop position, I think of dramatic plays.  And no one has more of a flair for the dramatic than John McClane.  Just ask Hans Gruber.

LF:  Mike Ehrmantraut (Breaking Bad)
There was no half measure with this choice of left field.  Again, a veteran presence is needed in the outfield and Mike delivers.  He's a fixer, always coming through in the clutch.  He's calm, calculating, stoic, and efficient.  Simply put, he knows how to get a job done.

CF:  Prince (Chappelle's Show)
Allow me to purify your souls in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.  We all know from that episode of Chappelle's Show that Prince can ball.  I think he can make the leap to baseball.  Centerfield is the perfect position for the agile singer-songwriter.  Prince seemingly flies in the field (if I remember correctly, both hands were off the rim after he dunked and he was still in the air).  After all the games, Prince can make the team pancakes, too.

RF:  Desmond Hume (Lost)
Talk about commitment and dedication.  All of those years stuck in hatch and Desmond pushed all of those buttons because he believed he was saving the world.  He believed the cause to be true.  And his love for Penny remained true to boot.  That's the type of dedication you need on a team.  Desmond Hume is my constant on this team.  As for what number he might wear, I think he'd go with 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, or 42.

"The Milwaukee Beers" (click to enlarge)

Kevin Sez:  This team is the biggest mystery to me as I am unfamiliar with both Battlestar Galactica and Lost, so that's why the team takes a bit of a hit.  The left side of your infield is terrifying with McClaine and Wolverine.  I do wonder about the right side, though.  I'm not sure Daenerys and Bunk cover all the ground over there.  Otherwise, very strong selections from the man hailing from Brooklyn, especially the battery of Crash Davis and Indiana Jones.

Kevin's Score:  75/100 points

Dave Sez:  Start off with a 91 in honor of the Beers' most inspired pick (Wikipedia informs me that the real-life Prince has released 91 singles to date); add 10 for convincing me that the Battlestar Galactica, Lost, Wire and Game of Thrones guys were great choices, despite the fact that I'm not familiar with those shows (I know, I should check 'em out); and subtract that 10 for putting an old man with limited mobility in left field (being totally bad ass can only get you so far)...

Dave's Score:  91/100 points

Paul Sez:  What can I say?  This is a well put together team.  I don't really have anything negative to say about the Beers infield, pitching and catching.  Just solid.  However, I do have my questions about the outfield.  Prince would, IMHO, make for a better play caller than a fielder – he's just a pure visionary.  Desmond is brilliant, but he has so much going on in his head I have to question if he can remain focused through 9 innings.  And Mike Ehrmantraut, while a complete badass, is also old as hell; he'll break down.

Paul's Score:  86/100 points ("although I should knock this more because I know you're insanely jealous of my team.")

Kevin's Team:  "The Mudville Nine"

Manager:  Sherlock Holmes (Sherlock)

The best managers always seem to stay one step ahead of their opposition.  Nobody would keep my team one step ahead better than Sherlock Holmes.  The master of deduction would be able to call for the perfect infield shifts at the perfect time and would always be able to plan ahead for any relief pitchers the opponent would throw at us.  Picking Sherlock to be my manager was the easiest choice I made.  Some might even say it was elementary (sorry, couldn't help myself).

SP:  Mr. Fantastic (The Fantastic Four)

Mr. Fantastic would represent the perfect pitcher for my team.  His ability to change the length of his limbs would make his gripping of the baseball unprecedented.  Can you imagine the amount of break he could get on his curveball by lengthening his fingers?  He also was the leader of The Fantastic Four so you know he can handle the pressure when "toeing the rubber."

C:  Sgt. Donny Donowitz (Inglorious Basterds)

Known as the "Bear Jew," Donowitz would beat the heads of captured Nazi soldiers in with a baseball bat.  I'm pretty sure he would be able to hit a baseball.  Donowitz, being a soldier, was also used to things flying at him; I feel that this would only improve his defense behind the dish.  His fiery temper would also put doubt in the minds of any hitter who thought about rushing the mound.

1B:  Danny Tanner (Full House)

I like first basemen that are tall.  It gives them the needed range to scoop balls out of the dirt or catch any errant throw.  This is why I want Danny Tanner on first base.  His height would allow him to get to balls others couldn't get to.  Also, his experience as being the head of a large family would make him the on-field leader, something every good team has.

2B:  Stefan Urquelle (Family Matters)

Urquelle would be the smooth-fielding, fleet-footed second basemen this team needs.  Not only is he incredibly smart (being the alternate version of Steve Urkel does that for you) which means he would always be in perfect position, he also has the grace and calm nature needed when turning those tricky double plays while an opposing player is flying at you.

3B:  George Weasley (Harry Potter)

George Weasley certainly knows how to swing a bat.  As a beater on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, Weasley is tasked with using a bat to hit bludgers at the opposing team's players.  Considering Weasley does all of this while flying on a broomstick, I feel it would be safe to say he would be able to do damage hitting a ball while on the ground.  Weasley would fit in perfectly in the middle of the Mudville batting order.  (The only reason I chose George over Fred is because J.K. Rowling made the same choice by killing Fred in the last book.  Yes I'm still upset about it.)

SS:  Jax Teller (Sons of Anarchy)

If Urquelle is the slick and smooth half of my double play combination, Teller represents the other side.  Teller is all heart and would bring grit to this team.  He understands the roles people need to fill to form an effective team (or Motorcycle Club) and isn't afraid to do what needs to be done to get his team to the top.  He would will this team to victory.

LF:  Omar Little (The Wire)

I want guys who have been in big situations before and who won't be afraid of the moment; that's why I want Omar Little in left field.  I'm not sure Omar is afraid of anything (other than maybe his loved ones getting killed).  I want that fearlessness on my team.  In my mind, Omar's walk-up music is him just whistling "The Cheese Stands Alone" which I'm pretty sure would terrify any and all opposing pitchers.

CF:  Willie "Mays" Hayes (Major League)

Every team needs a spark in the lead-off position.  This means I need my lead-off hitter to have speed and Hayes has a lot of it.  He can just roll out of bed and win races.  Hayes also plays an outstanding center field and he can handle the bat just fine.  He also has experience in pressure situations, making one of the most heads-up base running plays of all time.  

RF:  Maximus (Gladiator)

Finally, we have someone who will certainly give everything for a cause he believes in.  Maximus gave up everything for the Roman Empire, and I am confident he would do the same for the Mudville Nine.  Maximus is a hell of an athlete and would certainly be able to handle anything playing right field would throw at him.  Plus, he would be the go-to guy for any motivational speeches.  Every team needs one of those guys.

"The Mudville Nine" (click to enlarge)

Scott Sez:  Wait, a misanthropic, egotistical loner is supposed to effectively lead a baseball team?  Maybe certain mind games could work to spark the team in the beginning of the season, but  they'll get old by those dog days of summer.  Plus, you have a stick-up boy who lives by his own rules playing left field?  These are great characters, but a cancer to a team.  Kudos to the choices for the middle infield however; both of whom have such a yin-yang effect that there would be an undoubted chemistry to turn those double plays.  Plus, having a natural leader like Maximus Decimus Meridius, General of the Felix Legions is a boon to any squad.  But I see a lot of offensive talent on this team, not a whole lot of defense (Danny Tanner is anything but athletic).  If Kev thinks his team can survive on clever wordplay, he really dropped the ball.

Scott's Score:  60/100 points

Dave Sez:  Start with a perfect 100 for the most creative and thorough "super hero" implementation (Mr. Fantastic-as-pitcher is as close to genius as anything that could come out of this exercise); subtract 2 due to my blatant jealousy; subtract another 10 for Danny Tanner's presumed unwillingness to get his uniform dirty; and add back 5 for the possibility that Danny might celebrate big wins with this dance...

Dave's Score:  93/100 points

Paul Sez:  Sir, your team is roughly the complete opposite of Scott's. Very solid outfield, but your infield...just questionable.  Honestly, the right side of your infield could cost you games both at the plate and in the field.  They may be great in the clubhouse, but Danny Tanner and Steve Urquelle will be the downfall of the Nine.  Although, there is no doubt that my boy George Weasley will help hold down the infield (hey, Scott, this would qualify as two athletes too).

Paul's Score:  (82/100) points

Dave's Team:  "The Bluth Company"

Manager:  Mr. George Feeny (Boy Meets World)
There could be no better leader for my motley crew than the über-dedicated mentor who followed/stalked Corey, Shawn and Topanga from their sixth grade classroom to John Adams High and on to Pennbrook U.  A true master of motivation, Mr. Feeny once pushed and prodded a poor kid from a trailer park in Philly to find a way into Super Bowl XXXII in San Diego, by means which were never made clear (did he stab a scalper?).  No one could inspire with more wisdom and heart (e.g., "Believe in yourselves.  Dream.  Try.  Do good.") and we already know he'll look impossibly cool in his uniform.

SP:  Samuel "Mayday" Malone (Cheers)
The owner and top bartender at the Beacon Hill watering hole where everybody knows your name, Sammy is a natural leader who brings Major League talent to the mound, where an athlete-character with professional pedigree can have maximum impact.  And, of course, he's got swagger for days.

C:  Michael Gary Scott (The Office)
Since my pitcher has a proven track record of good working relationships with dim-witted, big-hearted types (see: "Coach" Ernie Pantusso and Woody Boyd), why not put everyone's favorite Dunder Mifflin regional manager behind the plate?  Just because he has a flair for malapropisms, however, don't mistake Michael for a fool who couldn't learn to call a game just as ably as he once sold paper (before, in a particularly striking example of the Peter Principle, he rose to his level of extreme incompetence).

1B:  Dr. Sean Maguire (Good Will Hunting)
The man responsible for the greatest Red Sox-related scene in film history (sorry, Fever Pitch), Sean brings more Boston flavor to my squad, along with an obvious love of the game.  Since the prototypical first baseman hits for power, it's worth noting that, like LMFAO, this Southie native works out.  Free weights, huh?  Yeah, big time...  What do you bench?  285 – What do you bench?  And his counceling chops could come in handy with two addicts in the clubhouse: the aforementioned Mr. Malone, a recovering alcoholic, and...

2B:  Jesse Bruce Pinkman (Breaking Bad)
The most compelling character on the most compelling television show I've ever seen, Jesse is a smart young guy (see: his plotting of train heists and evidence-destruction-via-magnets) in desperate need of a change of scenery with some positive male role models (like each of my four previous picks).  The clincher?  He also bears a slight, passing resemblance to Dustin Pedroia.

3B:  Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
Through nine seasons and counting with The Gang at Paddy's Pub, Dee has definitely proved she can "hang with the boys," once even taking to the gridiron to try out for the Philadelphia Eagles.  While that tryout ended badly, her nickname is ready-made for a defensive-minded third baseman, so I'm giving her a shot.  I'm a sucker for good nicknames, and you can't count out anyone who survived an episode titled "Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire."  (Well... Anyone named "Sweet Dee.")

SS:  The Masturbating Bear (Late Night with Conan O'Brien)
Could you concentrate at bat with a bear in an oversized diaper, notorious for his love of self-love, crouched down between second and third in a defensive stance almost identical to the one he assumes while doing his favorite deed?  The Masturbating Bear is not only a representation of the inspired, juvenile absurdity at the heart of Conan's run in 30 Rock's Studio 6A; he is a sure-fire defense-by-distraction ace.

LF:  Spider-Man (Spider-Man)
I picture my team playing at Fenway Park (obviously) and I can't imagine anything better than Peter Parker scaling the Green Monster to steal home runs.  Not just in baseball; in the history of the world.  It would be mind-blowingly awesome, and some CGI whiz somewhere should probably bring it to life ASAP.  Also, the classic Spider-Man theme song would be grade A walk-up music.

CF:  Samir Nagheenanajar (Office Space)
...Speaking of grade A walk-up music, how about some Geto Boys from the soundtrack to Mike Judge's 1999 white collar cult classic?  Every team needs a hothead who'll throw his helmet or toss over the Gatorade coolers from time to time, and Samir is that guy for the Bluth Company.  Whether cussing up a storm over his morning commute or seething over a paper jam, his temper is the stuff of legend.  And we know that Samir's a pretty sick breakdancer, so I'm confident he has the athleticism to patrol centerfield.

RF:  Ronald Joseph Aaron Burgundy (Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy)
There was a time – a time before cable – when the local anchorman reigned supreme.  When people believed everything they heard on TV.  This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news.  And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man than the rest.  His name was Ron Burgundy.  He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals.  He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo.  In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.  ...I assume he'd also be good at baseball.  'Nuff said.

"The Bluth Company" (click to enlarge)

Scott Sez:  I didn't realize selecting a team turned into one big homage to Boston.  Snooze.  A pitcher from Boston.  A psychologist turned first baseman from Southie.  A Conan O'Brien (native of Boston) character.  Steve Carell (who plays Michael Gary Scott) was born in Massachusetts.  Geez, even Feeny talks in a Boston Brahmin accent.  Contrary to popular belief Dave, you can pick people from across the river.  What a wicked concept.  Despite my criticism, you always win the category for creativity.  If not the most talented team, it's certainly the funniest and perhaps the most loveable.  And that goes a long way for fans.  Commitment to a team means that that rag-tag group of players brings a smile to your face.  This team does just that.  Props to you on that end my friend.

Scott's Score:  75/100 points

Kevin Sez:  I have a lot of questions about this team.  With two addicts on it, can Sean Maguire really keep everyone in line?  Especially since he seems like the only stable presence on this team.  Will Michael Scott and Ron Burgundy be able to co-exist without constantly trying to one-up the other?  Can the Masturbating Bear stop masturbating long enough to swing a bat?  Lots of questions.  Very few answers.

Kevin's Score:  70/100 points

Paul Sez:  Oh, buddy.  Oh, oh, buddy.  There are just so many holes on this team I'm not sure where to start.  Entrusting Ron Burgundy in the outfield?  That's just asking for the charming son of a bitch to flirt with girls in the bleachers all game long.  And he'll most likely be drunk.  Sean McGuire, while wise, would be better suited for a managerial role than manning first base.  The masturbating bear?  Well, quite frankly he'll only be useful if he can distract batters and/or use his massive junk to hit home runs (doubtful).  Sweet Dee at the hot corner?  More like Sweet Dee to be a hot mess.  George Feeny holding down the fort in the dugout...ugh.  It pains me to say anything negative about this, but let's be real, The Bluth Company will not appreciate all the lessons they've learned until it's too late and George is ready to call it a day.  The only hope for this squad is for Spiderman to emulate Jacoby Ellsbury's 2011 season and Jesse Pinkman Pedroia's 2008.

Paul's Score: (58/100) points

Paul's Team:  "The Springfield Isotopes"

Manager:  Coach Eric Taylor (Friday Night Lights)
When you put a lineup on the field as dynamic and star-studded as the Springfield Isotopes, you don't need a manager who's going to fiddle around with the lineup or overly concern himself with matchups; you need a manager who can manage these egos and motivate his players to get the most out of them.  There is no more perfect manager for the Springfield Isotopes than the former coach of the Dillon Panthers and East Dillon Lions.  Coach Taylor may as well have a doctorate in coaching and a masters degree in motivation.  If Taylor could maximize the talent of trouble maker Tim Riggins, loud mouth Smash Williams and underdog quarter Matt Saracen, Taylor will assuredly take the Isotopes to great heights.

SP:  Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)
People may call Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum “The Freak,” but Henry Rowengartner is the true freak.  Due to a minor medical mishap, the 12-year-old Rowengartner can rocket fastballs at 100+ mph.  Not only will Rowengartner’s talent, and Major League Baseball experience, be an asset to the Isotopes, but the arm angle that opposing batters will have to deal with seeing pitches come from such a low release point will prove near unhittable for the opposition.

C:  Bruce Wayne (Batman)
Crouching behind the plate for 9 innings every game is one of the grueling tasks in all professional sports and requires an athlete in peak physical condition.  So naturally, I'm calling upon the ever so jacked Bruce Wayne.  If anyone can handle the beating that comes with the position, it's the man who fights crime in his spare time and pops out of bed in the morning to do pushups.  The veteran Wayne will also be able to handle the youngster Rowengartner with ease.

1B:  Hercules (Disney's Hercules)
When scouting for a first baseman to anchor the Isotopes infield, the one trait that was needed was power.  And, well, who else would be an absolute lock for a home run just about every trip to the plate?  Hercules is basically a Greek hybrid of Chris Davis and Prince Fielder.  He'll be batting cleanup and scaring the bejesus out of opposing pitchers.

2B:  Chuckie Sullivan (Good Will Hunting)
Since the Boston Red Sox own the rights to Dustin Pedroia, I figured the next best person to fill out the right side of the infield would be Southie's Chuckie Sullivan.  While Hercules provides pop, Sullivan will provide heart, leadership and loyalty.  Sullivan is expected to be the go-to guy in the clubhouse while providing a spark on the field.  You can never go wrong with a man who absolutely loves baseball; I mean, he spends his free time at batting cages and watching local little league game.  If you're not buying into Sullivan as a future MVP, you're suspect.  Yeah you.

3B:  Jim Halpert (The Office)
Jim Halpert.  Fat Halpert.  Well, actually Jim Halpert isn't fat at all, which is what makes him a perfect fit for the hot corner.  Halpert is tall and athletic and will be relied upon to play the hot corner in the mold of a Manny Machado, with slightly less pop.

SS:  Lucas Scott (One Tree Hill)
Scott does not want to be anything other than what he's trying to be lately.  And what he's trying to be is an agile shortstop who brings athleticism and quick feet from his days on his high school basketball team.  Scott and Sullivan will quickly be known as one of the best double play duos in baseball.

LF/CF/RF:  Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump), The Flash (DC Comics), Andy Dufresne (Shawshank Redemption)
This is an outfield that will essentially never let a fly ball drop.  The center field/left field combination of the Flash and Forrest Gump is just flat out unfair.  Basically the only way to get a ball past those two would be to hit it out of the yard.  They will also be the bookends in the batting order providing plenty of speed on the base path.  Dufresne won't have to do much in the outfield, but, when called upon, he will be able to provide stellar defense with an A+ arm, which he developed from all his sessions of long toss with Red in the prison yard.  He also brings an intimidation factor to the Isotopes that will go unmatched.

"The Springfield Isotopes" (click to enlarge)

Scott Sez:  Safe is generally a term that is desired in baseball.  Leave it to Paul to make it undesirable.  All of his choices are safe.  Sure, one of the greatest tv coaches/dads will lead the team.  Great, let's pick an iconic hero who is technically not a superhero because he's human.  Oh and a Greek god.  And the best friend a guy could have in Chuckie.  Plus Andy Dufresne?!?  A desperate attempt to win over our audience.  Andy told Red life comes down to a simple choice: either you get busy living or you get busy dying.  And I want this team to die so here's my explanation as to why I want a disqualification.  The rules clearly state only one athlete-character.  Eric Taylor played football but I guess I'll let that pass.  Henry is clearly a major league player.  Lucas Scott was an exceptional basketball player.  Forrest Gump was football player in high school, an international ping-pong star (it's an Olympic sport damn it), and an accomplished runner.  A clear violation of the rules.  Having The Flash, Bruce Wayne (who is Batman), and Hercules tip-toes around the hero rule as well.

Scott's Score:  0/100 points ("DQ!  That's right!  I'm calling it!")

Kevin Sez:  In my eyes, this is my team's biggest competition.  The Flash batting leadoff is terrifying and the middle of the order is stacked with power (Hercules, Bruce Wayne).  The only hope is that this team lacks a true on the field leader.  Bruce Wayne is used to working solo as is Hercules.  The Flash was never a leader of any group, and Andy Dufresne doesn't strike me as the vocal leader type.  Lucas Scott is more concerned with Peyton in the stands and Jim Halpert has shown us he doesn't thrive when in charge.  So when things go bad on the field, who steps up?  My only hope is no one.

Kevin's Score:  90/100 points

Dave Sez:  Start off with a 97 (for 1997, i.e. Good Will Hunting's release year) for an excellent use of my favorite movie; subtract 5 for the number of runs Gump costs you per game (dude could play running back or ping pong, but neither of those required much decision making – remember this?); add 50 for the undisputed greatness of the Flash in centerfield; and immediately deduct that 50 for the implication that Hercules doesn't have "super natural powers" (his strength comes from his direct lineage from the gods!)...

Dave's Score:  92/100 points

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Fourth Place:  Dave – 67 or Paul – 61 (if you agree with Scott's analysis)

Third Place:  Kevin – 79

Second Place:  Scott – 84

First Place:  Paul – 91

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Let's let our Four Guys friends vote!  Comment below...